I was diagnosed with major depression, an anxiety disorder, and PTSD at the age of 17; but really, I think I had been battling depression for years before my diagnosis.
I was normally the outgoing and bubbly one - making jokes, talking too much in class, etc. I participated in various leadership events and was the captain of my varsity softball team for three years. But during my senior year of high school, I began to withdraw and isolate myself from others. I started to relive my childhood, wallowing in events I had never dealt with. My grades started to slip. My friends didn't recognize me anymore.
I sought medical attention after a failed suicide attempt. I got into therapy and began taking medication. It helped, for a while.
was the first person I felt truly understood me and could empathize with what I was going through. She was also the one to introduce me to twenty one pilots.
After graduating in May of this year, I began to slide back into my depression. My friend was also battling depression, but told me about this amazing band that helped her get through the nights. The nights were always the worst for both of us.
When I heard Tyler sing "I am not as fine as I seem!" I began to cry. I have always lived my life with this "happy mask" on, but secretly screaming "I AM NOT AS FINE AS I SEEM!" on the inside. The rest of "Migraine" was enough to make me download every twenty one pilots song I could find.
I resonate with every single song. From "Holding Onto You" and "Car Radio," to the older ones like "Addict With A Pen" and "Taxi Cab." There is something in every verse that helps me get through the day, and most importantly, helps me get through the night. I am still fighting my depression, but I don't feel like I'm doing it alone anymore. I finally feel that there are others out there. I feel that there are people who understand. I feel inspired to fight to see another day.
I wish I could personally thank Tyler and Josh, but I know that no words would ever be able to convey how much their music truly means to me. It is because of their music, and the movement they have started, that I fight to stay alive. And I will continue to fight. I will fight through all the doubts, through all the disappointments, and remember I am not alone.
October 17, 2013